It’s been a few months since I’ve written anything. The last time I wrote it was a pretty heavy topic, and honestly it was the biggest relief of my life writing about it, it felt like a weight had been lifted and worked better than therapy helping me process what happened. So I thought I’d give a mental health/life update more for my own sake and mental wellbeing.
Biggest news for those who don’t know - I’m in a relationship now which was a complete surprise for me. My last relationship broke down to my Post-Traumatic Stress and Anxiety, and I really thought I wasn’t going to be able to get into another relationship again. But then he came along and gave me exactly what I needed, comfort, reassurance, adventure, care, and the amount we’ve done over the last 4 and a half months is insane, it’s made this year one of the best of my life - here’s a little glimpse!
But I’ve found that areas of my PTSD and Anxiety have been creeping back in recently. I’m not sure where it’s come from but the further my feelings have developed the more insecure I’ve become in myself.
I’ve started to fear loss and loneliness and it’s resulted in me feeling unworthy of love or care, I don’t want to feel it, but it’s the same way I felt loss and loneliness sat in the clinic, and the way I was treated like I was making a mistake, there was no care or compassion. I never want to feel like that again, and learning to trust someone after experiencing such intense emotions where you could potentially be in that position is terrifying.
I’m very aware of the fact I’m nothing special, and very aware of the fact that there’s girls with better bodies, better hair, better personalities and I have an intense fear that person will come along and I’ll experience loss and those emotions will resurface, and that makes me feel insecure and on edge, and I convince myself that I’m not good enough and I’ll criticise every part of myself physically and as a person.
Post Traumatic Stress has been so hard to deal with and has effected my life in ways I couldn’t imagine - as much as I share snippets of my life and how I feel, I experience most of the below on a daily basis. It’s gets hard, scary and lonely when you’re in your own head all the time, and adding anxiety and panic attacks into that mix, it’s exhausting.
Don’t get me wrong, when my days are good my days are amazing, always laughing, always smiling, my heart feels so full and I feel so grateful for the position I’m in. I feel so comfortable and content and it feels exactly how life should be always, and that’s the main reason why I try and push through when things get bad, because the good days are so so worth it.
I’m so beyond grateful to have travelled more this year then I ever have, seen places I’ve always wanted to go, moved out for the first time to my own home, got a new job, I’m also grateful for having someone in my life that makes me laugh and is so kind and attentive on a daily basis, overall life has been ridiculously good for me the last few months, I struggle to understand how a chemical imbalance in my brain won’t let me enjoy how good it is.
If anyone is going through a rough patch at the moment and you need to get it off your chest and talk about it my DMs/Emails are ALWAYS open. I struggle to physically communicate how I feel and I find it so much easier to write it down, so if you want to try the same please reach out.
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