Sunday 15 April 2018

I’m back! Again...

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After some time away (a month and half to be exact), I finally feel like I’m ready to return to the blogosphere. I want to be completely open and honest, this last month and a half has been extremely difficult. It’s really hard to keep pushing yourself and staying productive when your mind is telling you to give up and that everything you’re doing is wrong, and it got the point that I was ready to give up, I just wanted to cry and run, but life isn’t that simple when you have bills to pay. 

Anxiety is an incredibly fickle mental illness, it’s always in your mind - even on the good days, but some days you can feel so good, you’re able to function normally and you feel motivated because for once your mind isn’t trying to stop you. But the bad days can be so bad, the panic attacks are so physically and mentally draining, constantly being on edge about having a panic attack is just as bad, you just want to return to your safe space and stay there forever. Recently I have been the latter. This time last year I was literally going through the roughest patch of my entire life, and I feel like all of those emotions have resurfaced, I’m not sure if it’s just a part of the healing process or if it’s part of my hormonal contraceptive but it’s surreal picturing my life this time last year. It’s important to not let the rough patches in life define you. Some people will either use it in a positive way to completely 360 their lives, or people will wallow and never really escape the head space, I feel like I’m somewhere in between. I’ve managed to build on myself a lot, but I’m also extremely talented in putting on a happy front. Most days I never really feel okay, but I have no choice but to continue getting on with my life, laying in bed won’t run my car, or pay for my expensive taste in clothes. I feel like battling through those days definitely makes me feel like a stronger person though, and for me there’s no better feeling than coming out of a panic attack where I’ve confronted what I’m feeling and everything being okay, it does reassure you that everything is actually in your head. 

I’ve been taking baby steps to try and regain some of myself back, I started yoga which is actually really difficult but so good for focus and relaxation, I’d highly recommend attending a class if you feel like you need to regain some focus or to let go of stress. It also helps having Oli and wonderfully supportive friends, and place of work. I’ve tried to eat better, and really think about the things that make me feeling inspired and focused as that usually seems to be the best way to conquere getting negative thoughts out of my head.

I also forgot to mention that having a kitten also definitely helps, people underestimate pet therapy so much, playing with animals is the best way to let go of stress. 

This is only a short post but I really just wanted to add that I want start opening up more on social media, I scroll through Instagram everyday watching people literally living there best lives, and it’s hard to look at and envy them, but social media is not real life and it’s so crazy how addictive it is to get caught up in other people’s lives and wish that was you. So I want to start showing my good and my bad days, both on Instagram and on this blog. I don’t want to feel pressured into showing the perfect life. Hopefully starting to open up on social media about your good and your bad days will bring a touch more of reality back to the internet. 

Thank you if you have stuck through reading this post, writing down my feelings this way is so therapeutic and I feel like if someone can read this and relate, they know that they aren’t alone with their struggle.

If anyone is struggling and wants to talk or vent please feel free to drop me a message on Instagram (@beckyjaneryan) or even an email at, it’ll all be kept private. 

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